Change is meant to be a good thing. I mean, if you are going through a major change and you feel a need for something to make you recognise your self worth. Then you look for something that is going to recover your sense of self and that feeling of being free to shrug off what was once a stranglehold on your mental health.
Finding me again is going to be a challenge. By creating a paper craft project, a photo album, or something that is tangible, which can be manipulated, that's easy but to reincarnate yourself you first have to figure out who you were and who you are wanting to be.
My sister summed it up quite simply “what will make Sharon happy” and I didn’t know how to answer that. Maybe I just needed some suggestions but it made me want to just hide away because I couldn't even remember what I used to be like before I was married.
In a nutshell I was so busy making everyone else happy that I forgot how to make myself happy. Then it seemed that I slowly lost my identity, you think that no one sees, the ones who love you see, and they're the ones that usually don't know what to do for you until you cry out for help.
I'd been saying it for years, I needed to be treated better, that my standards had dropped, in the way I kept my home, myself, I was told that it didn't matter. I was told that I didn't need the make up or to do my hair, not because I was beautiful without it just because I didn't need to conform!! To what??! I believe you do whatever makes you feel good but I did whatever made him feel good, well not any more.
I was numb about how I was meant to be feeling, how I was meant to react. I had dealt with the problem but now I didn't know how to move on with my life. It's hard to know what the next move is when you have spent years trying to just overcome the hurdle that was causing all the pain.
Scrolling through my facebook page I came across an ad for a mature women model photo shoot, I instantly thought this would make me happy, the idea of how I see myself was flawed and not healthy. I needed to see myself for who I am, and not what he thought I should be, and if that means looking back at a picture of myself and enjoying what I see then this is a step forward.
I signed up for it with a selfie that I had taken on Christmas Eve which I spent alone with a bottle of brandy and the beautiful soulful sound of Angie Stone. The following day I got an email. I remember thinking now this has got real pretty quickly, I thought if I ignored it then it would go away.
Then the following day at work I got a phone call, it was a number I didn't recognise so I ignored it. I made myself think it was a wrong number but it wasn't, M3 studios had left a message to say they would like to book me in for a photo shoot. A bit of panic set in, so I took the plunge and emailed them back letting them know that I had the 24th of January off and would like to book with them.
Little did I know that they would reply the very next day providing me with all the details, date, time and what to bring including the clothing that I would need for three shoots.
So this was it. It was going to happen but I didn't want to go alone. I asked my sister if she would come with me. It would be a good day out, my first step towards who I was becoming and she said yes.
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